


Living with the ghost

by Ditricha



Category: Bon Jovi (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:47:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24149194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ditricha/pseuds/Ditricha
Summary: Jon goes on 2019 European tour.
Kudos: 5





	Living with the ghost

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this one after attending my first BJ gig, in Moscow, last year.  
> Unfortunately for me, I'm not a native speaker, sorry for the mistakes. Hope you'll still enjoy it :)

It hurts. After all these years it still hurts and feels weird. He probably will never be able to truly accept the whole situation. Over time, he’s got used to the idea that it won't be like it was before. Can't be like it was before, not now, not ever. For the umpteenth time, talking to a camera about the renewal, prospects for musical creativity, new chapters and steps towards band’s different but certainly bright future, Jon first and foremost tries to convince himself of that. Sometimes he succeeds and for a second really believes his own lies. Sometimes that bullshit is so obvious and ridiculously lame, it’s surprising no one has already said about it to his face. At least, in the eyes of Tico he can immediately read understanding or silent sympathy. God, he must indeed look pathetic at times like this.

He gets mad at himself and also Richie, who even on the other side of the country, hell, in another hemisphere, keeps holding in hands a part of his heart and unconsciously affects his life. And _nobody_ messes up with Jon Bon Jovi’s life without his knowledge. How one can walk away but doesn't release the other. Thin the thread that once has tied their fates together but doesn’t break it. So Jon's ordered to cut the “traitor” out of the pictures that are selected to be shown on the LED screens before the concert starts. And feels petty gloating along with delusive satisfaction. Maybe if he gets rid of the reminders, another's hands will finally open. Too bad he can’t get that part of himself back on his own.

Whenever they kick off a tour, his heart gets heavy, and the longing arrives like a moonless, pitch-black night. Occasionally he expects to meet Takumi, who will go to tune double-neck Taylor and other gear. Or imagines Richie, who gets into the locker room to casually share a joke he’s just heard from someone and liked. Back then, in the last few months, he rarely came to him before the show…

Jon secretly hates to introduce the _new_ — and this is how he addresses it at times he’s alone with his thoughts — band during the concert. He tries to accept the reality but fails to stop the feeling of dull annoyance. To postpone the guilt, which wraps him like a thick fog. To set back the futile melancholy blues and to persuade himself to let go of the past. Overwhelming feelings will calm down with the second show, but the first one is always like torture. Over and over. All they have to do is take a more or less long break from touring. Damn emotional Groundhog Day.

Then it’s being substituted by even more anger. With desperate stubbornness, Jon begins to prove he can still tour. Can tour America. Africa. Europe. Asia and Australia. In order to consolidate – the second round. He CAN — everywhere in the world. Without fucking Richie Sambora. Even without voice and dyed hair.

Sometimes Jon dreams that he comes on stage to sing encore songs and Richie is already waiting for him with a guitar there. And they sing together _Never Say Goodbye_ or _Diamond Ring_ , less often — acoustic _(It's Hard) Letting You Go_ at one mic. Sometimes his mind imagines that he gets on stage and can't make a sound. Tens of thousands of adoring, screaming fans are gazing at him, but he only keeps opening and shutting his mouth like a goldfish without succeeding in saying anything. The rush of panic comes from nowhere like thunder on a clear day. Then it gets so quiet one could hear a pin drop. He instinctively turns right looking for help — and no one's there. There’s no one on the stage but him because the rest of the band has followed Richie out the door.

Their performance during the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony evoked pure nostalgia that outshined heartache, sadness, irritation and other negative emotions. From now on, it seemed, he could finally let things go and move on. In fact, Jon realized they'd screwed everything up. He doesn’t know how to turn back the clock and correct the mistakes. He’s only able to finish the American leg of Bon Jovi tour and defer Europe to the next year. And preferred to spend that summer with the family. Jon Bon Jovi didn’t know what to do and hopes the problem will magically resolve itself eventually. He doesn't deserve his Superman tattoo for a long.

The problem predictably hasn't gone away within a year and emotional merry-go-round called “the first date of the tour” is right on schedule. He also doesn’t know why they’ve arrived ahead in Moscow. Jon in principle questions the wisdom of his actions more often lately. In their almost 36 years of touring, he’s seen dozens of different cities that reduced to a routine of airport terminals, hotel rooms, and concert venues. And therefore doesn’t remember Soviet Moscow from 30 years ago. They’re taken to the street where Richie and he gave an impromptu street performance back then, and it breaks his heart. Damn. At this very moment, that bastard might have just got out of his bed in California.

A couple of days later Jon puts a signature smile on his face and works the crowd that comes to the refurbished stadium where festival organizers once lit the Olympic flame of peace and friendship many years ago. He thinks again about not letting Richie affect his life. And introduces John-a-shoulder-to-lean-on-Shanks and points out the importance of Phil as a band member. And he does _Wanted_ without his black acoustic guitar. Because he's the man in charge here and not that son of a bitch halfway around the world.

Jon doesn’t know how long this is going to last. At the end of the day, there’s only hope he’ll break the cycle and find a solution in the situation before his nightmares come true, and an invisible stretched string of their fates irreversibly separates into two pieces…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, those weren't the same streets. Noticed that too late and decided not to change it because I like that part.  
> Also, guess it was me who was subconsciously angry at that time.


End file.
